Eish!

Where to begin…

Sometimes I have time to kill, and I like to kill that time with movies. But I don’t always have a lot of killing time available. So when I do decide to excercise the art of time-killage, I like to do it properly.

Enter the conversation about the remake, (and it’s gonna be brief) I am neither here nor there in this argument, a good remake is a good remake, and I can enjoy a good remake when the remake is good. Evidence in this regard, in my opinion of course, when we speak of the Horror genre, would include Rob Zombie’s Halloween, The Grudge, The Amityville Horror, The Hills have Eyes…

But as for the piece of crap, travesty remake of one of my personal favourite Horror movies of all time, Carrie, all I can say to adequately encompass my feelings here is…

Carrie (2013)Eish!

Just so you know, to further contextualise and set the stage of my internal battle with Eish-ness as it relates to this topic, I am not allowed to watch Horror movies at just any given time. A former Horror movie junkie, who grew up on Freddy Krueger and lists the Alien anthology as his favourite movie of all time, it is a different state of movie loving I now engage in, for you see, my Mrs does not dig them. However, since my mother-in-law moved in, I have developed a Horror movie watching schedule for she’s game to watch these movies. So there we were, with time available, and a selection of movies to watch…

“What!?! You’ve never seen Carrie?!?” I asked in disbelief.

“I don’t think so,” she replied.

And so we put it on – but in a bad judgement call of note, I opted for the new version… I know, shame on me, I should have known better…

Where to begin?

Hit Girl ain’t no Sissy Spacek! Carrie White is not hot or pretty, she shouldn’t even have the potential to be hot or pretty, and Sissy Spacek has never been hot or pretty (in the conventional sense, and in Carrie specifically) as far as I know… Carrie-2013 almost felt like a less scary version of She’s All That…

Oh! Oh! and Sissy can act – Sissy done gone Kicked your Ass – Sissy Spacek was an Oscar Nominee for a Horror Movie I say!). Sorry Hit-Girl, looking down with furrowed brow and slightly parted pouted lips do not a Carrie make, never mind the awkward gesticulating of your brand of telekinesis.

The miscasting in this movie is astonishing… half way through the movie, the cringeing was unbearable.

Julianne Moore (and I am somewhat of a fan) just not camp enough (Piper Laurie who at this point was an out of work actress was now also an Oscar Nominee for her turn as Margaret White)

Nancy (of Robocop fame) Allen’s Chris in the original movie, That Byatch, well Nancy Allen was hot and mean in the hottest and meanest way… This new Chris, is so not (shame on you… Ummm… Let me Google… Portia Doubleday… shame on you)

Amy Irving, the all-american girl Sue Snell, now the hot-chick with a concsience… WHY??? Why I ask you? Why must Hollywood beauty pageant a small town horror tragedy of the most epic of proportions.

So Casting was a write-off… and I haven’t seen the original in a while let me just say… but the gravitas was diminished… the music was less than evoking… the De Palma touch was sadly absent… the gross desensitizing figurative explosion of telekinetic force by focusing on special effects… by the end I was just sad (not for Carrie White mind you)… just so, so, sad…

Only solution? Dig out the original and watch it immediately, the way it should have been, and the verdict? Hands down! 1976 Kicks 2013’s arse!!! (so declare Mother In Law, in not so many choice words). But seriously!

Carrie (1976)The original Carrie is one of the greatest Horror masterpieces of all time. Born from the mind of one of my favourite creative geniuses, Stephen King, the breath of movie magic into his masterpiece is sufficiently retro as to remain relevant in its original state. The Brian De Palma touch of magic, paired with the casting of Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie, result in a movie is and that rests timelessly within its perfection because of its symptomatic existence as a product of its time and age. The plainness of Carrie and her arrival at the prom in her glowing plainness; this is never a Cinderella story. What this movie is about is not a a girl becomes a princess tale, it’s the creation of a villain among villains, a step-sister to match the evil step-sisters.

It is still one of my favourite movies of all time…

And if you say 2013 is superior, well then I just don’t know…

The way I feel, this remake will always be –

“Carrie 2013 – the attempted murder of the Ultimate Tragic Heroine of the High School Social Rejects”

soztheo.me stars in Carrie (1976)